


Don't Leave Me

by tlakht



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, First Kiss, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 15:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tlakht/pseuds/tlakht
Summary: Dean needs Cas to stop leaving him. Cas needs Dean to be safe. Those two things don't always go hand in hand.





	Don't Leave Me

Dean’s tired.

The thing about Purgatory, the thing that wears you down, is that there’s no real rest to be had. You can choose to sleep, or you can choose not to, but neither option is preferable over the other. If you don’t sleep, you’ll always be tired, your mind enveloped in a fog. It makes it hard to concentrate, makes you see monsters even where there are none, moving as shadows just visible out of the corner of your eye. If you do try to sleep, you’re lucky if you manage five minutes at a time, always aware that there might be something lurking just around the corner, just waiting to pounce on you. Any sleep you get isn’t restful at all and not nearly enough.

After Dean meets Benny, he’s able to get more sleep; they take turns resting and keeping watch, but he’s still always on edge. He wakes up whenever a creature attacks and Benny kills it, or whenever he hears a sound. Or when he has nightmares, which is pretty much always, his mind filling with images of Cas being ripped to shreds by monsters nightly.

Finding Cas is like a balm for Dean’s tired mind, even if it hurts to know that Cas ran away. At least now he knows that Cas is unharmed. That no matter what happens from now on, Dean will always know where Cas is and whether he’s in danger or not.

Cas insists on keeping watch the first night after they meet; the angel doesn’t need sleep, and it’s no different here in Purgatory. Maybe it should make it easier for Dean to get some rest, now that Cas is here with them, but he tosses and turns even while Benny sleeps. He keeps glancing over at the vigilant angel, just to make sure he’s still there. He knows Cas wouldn’t endanger them by leaving them while they’re sleeping, but he can’t quite convince himself fully of that, half-expecting to find Cas gone any time now.

Finally, Dean gets to his feet, knowing he won’t get any sleep, and goes to stand next to Cas. Cas looks at him, but doesn’t turn towards Dean, doesn’t say anything, and they stand in silence for a while.

“Don’t do it again,” Dean finally says, quietly so that he doesn’t wake Benny. “Don’t… leave. Even if you think you’re protecting me.”

Cas doesn’t answer, and Dean knows what that means. Cas doesn’t want to make a promise he thinks he might not be able to keep.

“You don’t get to decide what’s best for me, Cas. I don’t need you to protect me. I just need you.”

Cas shakes his head. “You don’t, Dean. I’m not useful to you anymore; I’m a liability.”

“ _Fuck_ useful.” Dean’s tired. Physically tired, mentally tired. Tired of going a year without knowing if he would ever see the angel alive again, tired of Purgatory, tired of Cas thinking he’s nothing but a tool to Dean. Tired of holding back. “That’s not why I’ve needed you, Cas. It’s not why I need you now.”

Finally, Cas’s eyes turn to him in the dim light. He seems afraid of asking, but he does anyway. “So why do you?”

Dean takes a hold of his arm, then – turns Cas around and forces the angel to face him. “I just do.”

It’s not some newfound courage that finally enables Dean to touch Cas’s face tenderly; it’s just that he’s been worn down, Purgatory having slowly eaten away at his strength to keep up all the pretence and bullshit, like a river relentlessly digging its way into a mountain and turning it into sand.

It’s not really a relief when Cas responds to his touch – not here, not when he doesn’t know they’ll both make it out alive. But it still feels good, and he allows himself to press his mouth to Cas’s, opening the angel’s lips up beneath his own, coaxing a pleased sound out of him as their tongues meet in a soft caress.

“I see,” Cas breathes when they break the kiss. Dean wishes they could keep going, but they can’t risk it – can’t risk not paying attention to their surroundings.

“Yeah. So don’t go leaving me again.” Once again, Cas doesn’t answer.

***

Cas is alive. Alive, and back from Purgatory.

“You left me again.” Dean says it the moment they’re alone, when Sam’s no longer there to overhear the words spoken between them.

“Technically, I stayed.” Cas’s head is bent, his eyes not meeting Dean’s, so he must know that it’s not an excuse.

Dean shakes his head and takes one of Cas’s hands. “You could have died. You were planning on dying. For me. I don’t ever want you to do that again, Cas.”

Cas raises his eyes. “I know.” He doesn’t promise that he won’t. Dean knows he’ll never get that promise, so he’ll take what he  _can_  get instead, pulling Cas in for a soft kiss. There may come a time when he’ll have his heart shattered into tiny pieces because Cas wants to protect him. Right now, right here, however, he can at least have this. It’ll have to be enough.


End file.
